Screaming in silence...

This is what I was/am feeling due to certain events in my life. Even though this poem reflects what I am feeling at this moment, is dedicated to a friend of mine who lost her father recently in the sincere hope and wish that she will be happy once again and a prayer to him that he will watch over her wherever he is...
The poem represents me no one else but she also is in pain hence the dedication.

I wake up and the loneliness stings
filled with dread at fear's first kiss

I drown in the flood that loneliness brings
but realise that there is no one to miss

No one to share
the blood of my heart with

Nor feel sorrow or joy
as there is none to part with

My days are empty and hollow
nights just seem to follow

one image after another a copy, a shadow
of what was my life was when I truly was living

I put on a mask, a handsome one
as this pain must not be shown

the stonier the better
isn't that a mark of how much you've grown ?

apathy to fellows and indifference to friends
too long this has been, too late to make amends

evading my responsibility to the best of my talent
is all I am reduced to, hence this pathetic lament

My mind says "forget this and move ahead
what do you have to prove ?"

Some people might heed this piece of sane advice
But my heart will not let go and there is no asking twice...

the world is broken
or maybe it is me

there is no colour left
or is it just that I can't see ?

I stare in horror at a world gone wrong
I try to remember the words to MY song

that one reference, the point to begin
my sojourn here, the birth, the origin

No childhood wonder, no surprise or joy
the end of innocence, broken like an old toy

I am just numb to all the madness and violence
I stand quiet, but am screaming in silence

running around in circles..

A circle.. a shape that Euclid loved the most, a shape that is sought and found by many spiritualists ( who want to rationalise the universe ) in amazingly diverse natural phenomena. The hardest shape that I ever had to draw ( and still do to my eternal disappointment ).. it has many distinct qualities in our minds.
What struck me was that it had a functional significance. A circle is something that many people embody. A circle to my naive and simple mind embodies three things :
1. repeating an action/act/pattern of behaviour however complex after a fixed duration of time
2. The centre of the circle ( read your 'self' ) is kept away from all and sundry with whatever distance you are comfortable with
3. also not being interested in things that are not within the radius of your circle and actively criticising those who are interested in them

Repetitive patterns is fine but when it is there in significant things like arguments/conversations and humor...
The first point is especially evident when arguing with people.
Have any of you ever read alice in wonderland ? or through the looking glass ? There are the most hilarious examples of circular arguments in those books. When they talk with the red queen or I think even in the conversation with the mock turtle. Well the reason this came to mind is because people tend to give circular arguments in their lives. This is especially true if one does not have a good counter point during an argument that one hears responses like : 'ya exactly !!' ( hello.. you agreeing to what i said ? isn't that against what you are saying ? ) or 'no no that is not true.. why ? no it is not... '( honestly.. what do you sat to things like this ) But both of these is fine.. this might be just buying time to think of a better point to speak. What really boils my bottom is that people have a long term circular argument system. today they are arguing with you about something... 2 weeks later you hear them arguing from your side of the same argument with someone else (occasionally with you as well ) !! This is crazy !! it is a long time ago since we all stopped expecting anyone else but ourselves ( and occasionally ourselves as well ) to be as rational as ourselves. But this is just too funny. I have no clue why this happens.. none at all.

The second one is something that that I have talked about earlier i guess so I will not repeat that. Though I admit the temptation to bash that behaviour is exceedingly hard to overcome every time I think about it.

The third one is my favourite. define one area of your existence/sentience/ whatever name you are ok with and let the world outside go to hell. I am not talking of narrow minded selfish let the earth be blasted kind of people here. I am talking about people like me and probably those who are reading this blog entry as well... everyone.
people in jobs want to do jobs to get money to live comfortably to do jobs more easily. people with families want to have good families so that their offspring can grow up and well.. have good families. people like me who write cynical posts so that they are appreciated by others so I can feel good to... write cynical posts.
Substitute the actions listed above with anything of your choice. it would still make perfect senes. I have nothing against either circles, they are all good and esteemed and really decent people trying to survive.That is ok But..
This is what is unfathomable to me : why is it that such thinking has a ring of inevitability to it ? I am sure I am not the only one who has thought of this, many must even have figured out the answer. One answer I have is convenience. It is easy to focus on something finite rather than irritating abstractions which will not directly affect our lives. Still just because it is easy I do not feel that it is right or the best way to be. Most of human effort I think is spent in 2 things. Avoiding thinking about this or pondering this and trying to figure out an answer. I am all for the latter. Because living in circles is boring... really.. however wide your circle will be the less frequently you'll be bored but you will be eventually. The question is always what next ? the day this question is permanantly answered for anyone he/she will be truly free.
The most amazing of human endavors is when the second option is selected. Trying and face your own true self, ask if you really want circles. If the answer is yes, imgaine there are no circles and how would life be like and ask again if you still want circles. If you cannot imagine life without circles what follows is not for you.
I don't mean or want that life should be purposeless, I am not even remotely qualified to answer such questions as to purpose of life. But I have something that does not rest easy with this mode of existence.. maybe that is just me.
Here I find that a lot stuff that sounds dangerous like religion/spirituality/philosophy does indeed try to address such questions. I am follower of " if you experience it for yourself then it is true" and I have experienced nothing in my rational mind/science/ education/upbringing that says that circles have to be an inevitable part of the world I live in..

If I was immortal.. I would outgrow all the circles soon and then would be faced with a really big what next... that would be interesting.. really..

NO mercy for pakistan... NO prayers for their dying innocents

I will begin this by first condemning the absolutely horrifying attack by jihadis on pakistani soil on the Sri Lankan cricket team. Attacking a sports team that has come for friendly international competetion. A thing so beautiful, attacking such an ideology is despicable. I want to make it clear that I HATE what happened in pakistan yesterday, yet today I read in the papers that pakistani cricketeers like Imran Khan are asking everyone to pray for pakistan. I think the bad joke begins here. people praying FOR pakistan ?? you must be joking Mr. Khan. Pakistan is not even deserving derision from the rest of the world.
There is miltancy in pakistain. There has been militancy in Pakistan for decades. The Indian government has been telling the world and pakistan in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS to curb the military infrastructure IN PAKISTAN. But all these claims have been denied/ignored by whoever was in the pakistani government from time immemorial. There have been reports of PAKISTAN BREEDING TERRORISTS by funding and running terror camps in either the PoK ( Pakistan occupied Kashmir) or elsewhere in their OWN country. The same terrorists are now all but ruling pakistan. The government is a joke. The economy was already a joke for the last 8 years. Pakistan runs just because of US support and that is also given because pakistan happens to have a common border with the enemy of the US.. afghanistan. That is ok.. the US is doing what it thinks is right to try and curb terror in the world. My problem is with the bloody bastards who are the pakistani government. These assholes deny the very existence of terror camps in pakistan, after the black hearted 26/11 attacks on my beloved country. The pakistani donkeys who are 'in power'(so to say) there denied that the terrorists were even from their country. Some went as far as to even say that INDIA is breeding terrorists that INDIA cannot control !!! This was the most hilarious thing I had ever heard in my life. My point is simple... India is a lot bigger and stronger than pakistan. India can take over pakistan by :
1. Buying it out. All the industries all the produce everything... in one day
2. Military operation to finish whatever pakistan stands for .... in one day
3. Stop/Poison the water that flows to pakistan's province of punjab... in one day
4. Outcomepete pakistan in all their economic deals with all countries ... a couple of months and lead them to eat each other's flesh to remain alive..
When such easy alternatives do exist why would we go through all the trouble and expense of training brainless idiots to kill some people in a country like pakistan that does not even matter to the world. If pakistan ceases to exist not even pakistanis will care..
They asked everyone to pray for pakistan now that there is a terror against their own state, by the same people whom THEY BRED to spread terror in OUR state. I have no proof but I am not going to need to provide one. India has been very very lenient with these bastards.. these fatherless sons of donkeys who are the pakistani government.. But now they still blame us India for the attacks on the lankan team ? We have no animosity with Sri Lanka. we never did.. We even helped them quell the LTTE rebellion around Rajiv Gandhi's time. Why would India attack its friend state at random ? Why the hell would we send 'terrorists' to attack a shit eating dog like pakistan. We can just take out all their government buildings from our country with missiles of our own design from our own armchairs with no one else's permission... Why would we who can make pakistan lick our bottom if we wished even consider it a worthy opponent to do all this nonsense ??
This is pakistan paying for its years of breeding hate against india. pakistan wanted to separate from india when india became independent.We indians were trying to convince them to stay with us and grow and prosper with us. They killed hundreds of hindus and sent trainloads of dead bodies back from pakistan to india. We did not do any such thing. I say india became independent because pakistan never became independent. It is still a slave to stupidity, narrow mindedness and outright violence against the world and humanity. Pakistan decalred war 3 times on india and LOST !! yet their textbooks say that india lost the war and thay us made pakistan give back india ?? Who the hell do they think they are ? People tell me not to get worked up over this, people are scared of being 'politically' correct. I don't give a damn for that. This is insane and this has to stop.
Pakistan has peed its pants.. now it wants to hold someone else responsible for the mess. I hope pakistani people do read this blog entry of mine. I want them to. I want them to know that there will be NO mercy for pakistan in my heart. They did not stop their country from going to the dogs like terrorists, they did not take steps to curb terrorism. I am not sure how many of them even understand what is going on their country. I am NOT against ANY religion, but i am against all fundamentalists. Pakistan bred terrorists and trained them with resources out of its own pocket. They realised just now that the ideology they have been feeding their pack dogs was not under their control. They should have just targeted india, now their servants have targeted the entire world and the world will not forgive. I am not a saint or a praying human. But this time I pray for all the victims of all the terror attacks in the world. I pray that they get justice. I know i am supposed to have compassion for human beings and for all living things. These terrorists and the governments who breed them are not living things. I know I will not be able to bring justice to any of them personally but I sure hope to do my bit in educating the rest of the world as to the need for extermination of these kind of people. You will ask what is the difference between me and them ? For this question I have this answer alone : If the enemy is filth, clean people cannot fight them because they are afraid of getting filthy.
Mercy does not exist for pakistan and never will. For all the innocents who die in pakistan because of their own ineptness to rule their country and live like human beings, I am sorry for their loss but they are not worth my mercy or prayer. Pakistan has to pay for its mistakes. I am believer in the law of karma and this is pakistan's karma coming back to bite it in the ass. I hope it does. I hope it bites hard and then maybe they will realise that breeding hate against people who never bore ill will towards you has grave consequences. I do not want to spread hate about anyone in the world, but I guess pakistan is not worthy of hate any more than a cockroach. It should be squashed exaclt as an insect is sqaushed.. without feeling, without remorse.

a parody..

well.. after reading the amazing parodies written by shilpa and alok on their respective blogs here is a chance to write my own. I was listening to the song khabar nahin khabar nahin from dostana ( a rarity in itself since I am not normally into songs from bollywood ) and the flow of the lyris and all was such that it hit me. This song can be meant for a phd student.. so here goes
The original song :

Mere Maula Maula Mere Maula, Man Matwala Kyun Hua Hua Re
Man Maula Maula Mere Maula, Mere Maula..
Kis Taraf Hai Aaasmaan, Kis Taraf Zaameen
Khabar Nahi, Khabar Nahi
Oo Oo, Jab Se Aaya Hai Sanam, Mujhko Khud Ki Bhi
Khabar Nahi, Khabar Nahi
Oo Oo, Hosh Gul Sapno Ki Mein Bandhu Pull, Aankh Kab Khuli
Khabar Nahi, Khabar Nahi

Jaane Kab Kahan Kaise, Tere Ho Gaye Kaise
Hum To Sochte Hi Reh Gaye, Aur Pyaar Ho Gaya
Mere Khawaab Dil Saaansein, Mil Ke Kho Gaye Aise
Tujko Dekh Ke Aisa To, Kai Baar Ho Gaya
Tu Kahe Dil Yeh Tera Hi Rahe, Aur Kya Kahun
Khabar Nahi, Khabar Nahi


and my version :
Mere Maula Maula Mere Maula, Man Matwala Kyun Hua Hua Re
Man Maula Maula Mere Maula, Mere Maula..
Kis taraf he pipettman, kis taraf youvee khabar nahi
jab se aya lab mein, mujh ko meri hi khabar nahi
Oo oo hosh gul paper ke mein bandhu pull
aankh kab khuli khabar nahi khabar nahi

Jaane kab kahan kaise, 'array' ho gaye aise
hum to sochte hi rehe gaye aur ek saal ho gaya
uske plots or trends hatke, data mine karte karte
statistics karke hi to mera ye haal ho gaya
boss kahe " data aisa hi rahe"
iske age mein kya karoon khabar nahi khabar nahi
Ooo kis taraf hai asmaan, kis taraf zameen khabar nahi khabar nahi..

A slice of my life...

monotonous days monochrome nights
dead end ways and feeble lights
playing games online and alone
sinning by not working and scared to atone

Avoiding questions, a skill newly found
I have few results but excuses abound
reasons to admit to oneself, reasons for illness
cannot admit to myself this is stagnation not stillness

burning to work yet cannot find the seed
to unravel this mess a thread is all I need
what happened to me ? I could always see the way
I guess I lack the will now to make this world sway

Cannot even complain as I have run out of reasons
I have blamed all things, even the turning of seasons
for things that happened and things that did not
for things I should have done and thoughts I should have thought

plodding through the day without action or thought
for my life, for my goals, an intellectual drought
sitting alone at home I don't want to step out
I even stopped bothering what is happening without

what is this apathy I don't even feel sad
I have stopped evaluating, don't even know what I had
What it feels like to do an honest days work
forgotten long ago and am living like a jerk...

PhD 5.0

As the name suggests... This will detail the confirmed signs and symptoms of a PhD candidate who has completed or about to complete 5years of back breaking, brain racking, self questioning work and is not sure to what end did all this happen...
The things to look for in a PhD 5.0 are :
1. He/She will never plan his/her life farther than 2 hrs into the future. Most of the concepts of time spans are now aligned either to experiment incubation times or paper/manuscript review times. The reason is the incessant dersire NOT to think too much into the future.
2. The only person hated more that Osama Bin Laden is anyone who asks them any of the following questions "when will your thesis be done ?", "Got any offers after PhD ?"
3. It is a personal insult if anyone talks about their field or about new papers in their field. ( 99% of the times because they have never heard of those papers in spite of reading about 99000 related articles on pubmed)
4. If their character/avatar in an online role playing game gets a cool sword that glows, they think it is a significant achievement in life.
5. They tell others how really they want to be done with it and move on but in reality pray that they never have to because the idea that their work is going to be judged out in the real world and their entire lives depend on it scares the pants off them.
So these five symptoms are the most sure way of identifying possible post doc candidates. Maybe we should find a way to quantify these 5 characters and select people based on these as well as research ability.

systems of belief...

I have thought about this aspect for a long time now. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. We all have systems of belief... There is something that we think is a certain way, it can be anything from cosmic truths like monotheism to trivial things like 'pink is lucky for me' the only common pattern in any of this that we 'need' them to be true or at least possibly true. But the most important thing of this I would say is our opinion/definition of ourselves. I know this is not static and will change with changing times but there are some basic premises that we have developed that are always the same. We need these things to be the way they are so that we can feel secured and assured about our view of the world. so that we can justify what we do is correct in the bigger framework. I am NOT saying that we tailor our beliefs to justify whatever we do, what I mean is that we develop this set of beliefs over time and experience. We feel this is the way the world is and therefore we think if this set of basic premises are met everything can be dealt with. This is ok, I guess it is a natural tendency of any mind to generate a world view and function according to that. The problem is more subtle, the thing is we are extremely attached to this world view ( I speak from my experience of myself and a few others who I think are in similar situations ). We are extremely attached to this world view and we get angry, hurt or generally inconvenienced when this world view is challenged by some situations. Why should this be the case ? If the world view is challenged why is so hard to reevaluate it ? I began thinking about this when I came across a situation where my opinion of myself was questioned and I could not stand up to the test and was thus extremely hurt and depressed.
The thing is so very trivial as compared to the rest of the world, it is just how I look at myself but why should that matter so much in governing the rest of my life ? If I just remove the framework in which I judge myself the whole thing seems pointless. Since the framework is a result of the experience of all the restraints, constraints, opinions that I have gathered in my life. Is the only reason I am so attached to them is that they are mine ? or do I sincerely believe that experiences define me in a very fundamental way. That is not necessarily the case I think, I think my view of my own is cherished because it will not have any points that I consider negative and when that is shattered it is very hurtful. The question boils down to why do I consider those points as negative ? and why should I believe that they are not included in my behaviour ?
Is just past experience governing the current ability of my mind to function ? I cannot believe I was in a mental limbo for 6 months because of this small misunderstanding. Why should only I be the best in my own eyes ? Why can't I accept anyone else that is better than me ? Why is that so hurtful ? I have been told that answer is ego.. but i think it is just the ego, it is the block of your world view cluttering up the head, your belief system that one considers necessary for one to function because one thinks we functions the best if their world view is unchallenged. That is wrong, why have this nonsense in head and go around ? I have tried telling it to people and received an amazing plethora of answers. my favorite one is " it is not practical for every day life " that is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life. It is not practical because you do not wish to practice it, because you do not want to reevaluate your world view, or let it go is what I would say to these people. But why is this block there at all ?
Is really letting go of this equivalent to letting go of one's responsibilities ? I would like to believe that is no so, that is part of my belief system but I do not know the answer. But I would like to believe that this is possible, not because of any other reason but that would make living beautiful according to me...
ending the post with a paradox. I do not believe in being so attached to systems of belief because I believe that it is foolish. If I could only say this with experience of not belonging to a system of belief... I would be the happiest fool on earth...