The bubble that won't break....

Irridiscent colors a raging storm
all hated, all loved, all mine
had a feel of the void, so this burrowing worm
tries to crawl out, out of time
seeing it all, knowing its fake
I still am trapped..
in a bubble that won't break

Am told faith and guru is strength untold
that I should believe and I will behold
the glorious truth that is out there
everytime, everyplace, everywhere and nowhere
But how will I, who won't believe in me ?
ever believe a guru and ever be free ?
Screaming in silence, in this world so fake
I still am trapped...
in the bubble that won't break

The wrongs of me, the chains of my faults
suffering from self righteousness, unforgiving
begging for mercy, kept locked in vaults
not moving on to continue living
What do I do now, how long will it take ?
to be free of..
this bubble that won't break

If its just a bubble then why should I care ?
Just drop it all, stand naked and win ?
Why is it that I cannot dare
to drop all masks, stand happily and grin ?
contemplating death, a stupid way out
another wall within, the void still without
Is this really the way to be ?
and what really is at stake ?
that I still choose to be
in this bubble that won't break ?

my work.. ( or a heroic representation of it.. )

i create codes.. not understood by all..

i seek language and patterns in a 4 letter universe

the information is there i can almost sense it..

the answer is there.. mocking me with time...

the 4 letters conceal the truth
lying to each other, in effect to me
some behave while others mis..
my wits against their order...

i struggle to calculate
the sense from the non-sense
the battle is won....
when the plot is deciphered..

Stranger in a Strange land...

Looking at the world

through clouded glasses

Seeing boundaires & worries,

small worlds, one for each

Worlds collide, yet none change,

Why ? I do not understand

it seems i am..
A Stranger in a Strange land

Charted territory, a patchwork of maps

No rhyme no reason but rife with gaps

people too happy or too scared to step out

of their patch and reach with their hand...

Being 'practical' is glorifying

but are just instincts of survival !!

being 'emotinal' seems horrifying

so reason begins to unravel

I see al this & I see its end

they don't heed me,
have blinkers on my friend

I say,
Step out and see, just take my hand

but .. who will follow
A Stranger in a Strange land ?

People tell me ' why look outside ?'

'just stay in your patch and prosper'

I say' building towers within walls, to see farther away,

is a rule of cowardice I will always betray'

I don't understand the world nor do I expect it to understand me

Yet I accept the world, so why does It not accept me ?

I speak of this and carry ' fool' as my brand

Inspite of being right..
I guess I really am
A Stranger in a Strange land...

Alone...

A pilgrim of nowhere
I don't belong to anything
In the crowd, but not of it
What am I ? a pauper or a king ?

Do I live in a castle,
with its walls so high ?
Or am I destitute,
living on a prayer and a sigh ?

I could be both,
yes I can be either
being a king seems to be sad
and I can't be a pauper either

Guarding my emotions
with bars of memories
or hoarding the joys
from all the good stories

Giving it all up
when I see it as futile
only to begin again
is this really worthwhile ?

There seems to be a wall
built to surround me
I scream out for help
but no one stays around me

Is this is the cry
of a lonely soul ?
Or is it the shriek
of a thing so foul ?


I don't see the world
as I am supposed to see it
I don't know how to be
If I did I would be it..

thus I begin to question
the very nature if this state
is this my delusion
or is this my fate ?

I see people as they are ( or I think that I do )
not as they want to be seen
Is this the reason I am blind
to all things in between ?

Is this why I am
stuck between these two faces ?
neither makes sense
but offers empty places....

What to blog about ? and other deep questions...

i come back to my blog after a loooooong time.. i guess 3 months later. I had tried my hand at blogging i marathi using the transliteration button on blogger but it is a pain to get the algorithm to get the words right. so back to the stupidly incomplete english language with only 5 vowels...
The question is this.... what to blog about ?
I just did not know what to write and it would be extremely silly just to write everyday non-sense into a blog as if someone would actually be interested in it.
now after a hiatus the creative/arguementative/judicial/rationalising engines are running again so i guess now there is going to be some noise on this webspace.
what to blog about is a very difficult choice for me. I am not a net freak who likes to be online and read about anything and do just about anything. i mean i cannot blog what is on my breakfast plate everyday (that is a popular past time apparently) and some issues are just to personal, some issues are talked about so much that one person's opinion hardly matters.... Some things i just don't care to think of ( gossips columns and page 3 comes to mind )
Some issues are composed of just cynicism and would not make a good impression on the readers. Despite the name i still try to keep the posts intersting/intelligent/creative/insightful... (all this being subjective and subject to the reader only ), the bottom line being not the rubbish i see online. It turns out that there is not much to blog about if all these criteria are imposed. Makes one wonder about the inconsequentiality of all/most of the thoughts one has. Not a very good place to be, so the ego kicks in the creative juices and concepts/stories/theories are born. They are tested against the harsh demands of the blog and if passed are printed. the paucity of blogs maybe a reflection of creative ability but again if one has to stick to principles... :D
But i guess if allowed some of the things in the world around are worth talking about. Whether i protest them, whether i adore them, some of them do make a difference to my life and i will try to think about that a little more. It is very easy to become a machine fixed to a static routine and just ignore all that. What is hard is to accept all that and still try to get all that work done. One would ask ' why go the hard way then ?' anyway you would get your work done in time and do something worthwhile. I do not have an answer to that and have been trying to get one for the past 16 odd years. There is only one possible flaw which comes to my mind and that is.. suppose one has to break the routine to make a big adjustment in life, it won't be possible to incorporate this change by not giving it 100% attention . If anything else is attempted it would be foolish. I will explain this sometime later but i would like to see if someone else feels the same about their life. so comments expected on later posts..

net(lab)work blues..

finally !! configured my laptop to run the net in the university !! the net is crappy anyway... gmail banned and stuff like that.. but now at least i can surf in style and security as the laptop runs Linux. The university network is verily a breeding ground for worms and viruses and we as the department of zoology take pride in generating the worst of the lot. Of course none of them can touch a Linux OS, which is what i keep telling the 'learned' people here but well.. who listens to a person who does not fit in ? :)
there is usually a long queue for the use of the single PC that we have and share among 13 students. but now all that is behind me.. i am damned because i did not think about this earlier.. I guess everyone stagnates once in a while.. and in our department especially in the labs here.. people help each other stagnate in more and more creative ways everyday !! one wonders where does all this creativity go when it comes to experiments but that is a thing for many more and detailed blog entries. The only worry is.. that now the laptop should be able to access the net from home!!! i use ADSL there so no worries about configuring it.. now the trouble is switching from a configured state to another..but i guess that just setting it in FireFox should solve the issue.
There the first ever personal blog entry about mundane things in my life. I never thought i would get around to touch my blog again hence this is just to get me reacquainted with the blog. And to cover the fact that i am in the lab but not in the mood to do anything much. :D

another poem...

The title for this poem was inspired by a conversation with 'd' see comment below.. 'd' figured out what the poem was all about and gave this comment hence the title..
this was born out of frustration at making the same mistakes again and again...
The Silent Struggle

A maelstrom of colour
a riot of thought
no semblance of peace
but a judgement wrought

I seek within me
I seek the seeker
but I speak within me
and can't quell the speaker

My mind denies
what my desires crave
my quest wanders...
is this foolish or brave ?

My mind judges
believing it's right
to judge every moment
as dark or light

I walk the path
but am afraid to step
I question the reason
I chose it instead

I fear my inability
to see the light
I see others achieve
How long can I fight ?